Grandma had a stroke yesterday :(
I haven’t made a personal post in a while and I feel like I need to now.
I haven’t been very verbal about some things and it’s about time I am. I never let people know but I am extremely proud of how far I’ve come in regards to my eating. I eat healthier and more than I ever had but I feel so much better for it.I found a passion in fitness and working out, but I know I need to be careful with how much and the intensity because it could very easily be taken too far. Just like any other problem I have my good days and bad days and when I have my bad days I know there are always friends I can go to. They make me feel so much better and I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart because they’ll never really know how much it helps for them to be there to lean on.
I guess this connects into another problem I’m having a much harder time getting over.I’m going to use real names of people because I think it’s necessary to be true to really get this all out in the open.
I no longer talk to my best friend Jessica I’ve had since second grade. We used to have everything in common and it felt like I would have her in my life forever. She stopped hanging out with myself and our other group of friend we’ve had for years. I miss her more than just about any other person I’ve ever had in my entire life. I fear if we ever rekindle our friendship I won’t know how to be her friend. I’m afraid I’ll forget her and all the amazing memories we’ve had growing up together. I think I’ve always had a fear that this would happen one day. When I look at how different we are now I wonder what we ever had in common. The few times we’ve seen each other in the past year I’ve felt awkward and unsure, and I blame myself for not trying harder.
I think I’m letting this get to me more than it should. I’ve started to see other friends I still have start to drift away. Maybe I’m just being paranoid and making myself see these similarities but I don’t know how to change that. I’ve stayed quiet hoping it will pass but it just keeps getting worse.
I’ve still got my best friend Kelsie by my side, she’s one of the few friends I don’t worry about loosing. She was also best friends with Jessica, we all met in the second grade. We were inseparable, I don’t know how she’s handling not having Jessica in our life but it honestly breaks my heart. I hope to God she never stops being my friend because I don’t think I could bear it. We have a mutual friend Hannah I’m rather close with too but she’s busy with school, work and a relatively new boyfriend. I’m happy for her and we get along great but I wish we had more time to bond.
Doug has been a constant in my life ever since I met him. He’s been there through thick and thin with me and he’s one of the few I think really understands the problems I’ve had. I feel comfortable talking to him about most anything really and I don’t feel like he’s judgmental at all. I appreciate him as a friend and I hope I can be there for him if he needs me just like he’s been there for me. He’s another friend who’s introduced me to an acquaintance Autumn. She’s fun, upbeat most of the time and I do feel a sort of connection to her like if I tried to talk about something serious she’d be there for me.
I consider Muffin to be as close to me as Kelsie. I can tell him anything and he would move mountains to make me feel better. We used to take walks to the park and talk for hrs. We have a ton in common but I hardly see him now. We both have jobs and obligations to other friends we don’t share and it makes me so sad to know we can’t spend time like we used to together. We communicate on a rare basis. He’s also given me another friend Kyle, I guess I wouldn’t consider us close but he’s a nice person and he’s fun to be round.
Then there’s Kait and Amber. Kait I’ve known since elementary school and she’s the life of the party. I’m admire her spirit and how strong she is. We’re close and she knew things about me that others didn’t know because I trust her. Amber I met at work and we’ve grown very close I’d say which I wasn’t expecting but I appreciate. She really is the least judgmental person I’ve ever met. My paranoia has gotten the best of me and I see Kait and Amber growing closer. Frankly I’m envious of their newfound closeness because I’ve known Kait for years and we’ve shared things but I’ve never felt like we’ve had that best friend connection and in the span of a week they’ve been so close it seems.
Again this could be my paranoia. I have friends I hang out with like Autumn, Hannah, Kyle and even Julia who I consider close but I don’t feel that deep connection with. I’m not saying every friend in my life needs to be a best friend I can confide in but I feel like I have two friends I don’t fear loosing. I’m afraid I’ll do something that makes the friends I do have want to move on and away from me. I feel irrational for making this post like I’m making a bigger deal about this than I should but I really truly cannot help it.
I’ve steeled myself against my own thoughts though because I’ve made myself feel ok with being alone or feeling like I’m alone occasionally. I know it’s only a matter of time before we’re all at that point in our live where we begin to move away. Even I’m looking to my own future as possibly studying abroad, I just hope I can keep all of these people in my life. I love them, I’m proud of them and they’re just the right amount of wacky for me.